Tuesday, May 13, 2014

My Second First Mother's Day

I call do-overs!!!

Not really. Mother's Day last year was not a happy day for me, but I was a mother nonetheless. Even though I couldn't hold my child I could still celebrate her existence and the fact that she made me a mother. My first Mother's Day with Squeaks was a totally different experience.

It's been very windy in Southern California the last few days. The wind is warm and dry, it's blown away all the smog, and the sky is perfectly cloudless and bright blue. Do you ever feel like the weather matches your mood? I feel light, cloudless, excited. While I remember my first Mother's Day (kind of smoggy), I can see much more clearly now. My second first Mother's Day was a beautiful spring day.

I woke up to my husband feeding our daughter. The sight of a grown man gently rocking a baby in the dim light of morning makes me weak at the knees. When she finished we walked into the kitchen where my husband had laid out my gifts. Flowers, candy, a couple of the cutest onesies EVER, and my favorite, a scrapbook from Squeaks. Josh made the first page for her, but in the future, I look forward to her filling it with her artwork and notes. I cried.

Our church does baby dedications every once in awhile. It's really more of a parent dedication though. It's a chance for new parents to get up in front of the church and publicly commit to raising their child to learn about Christ. Well Squeaks' dedication just happened to land on Mother's Day! I say "just happened" almost sarcastically, cause it was a God thing for sure. It was.....perfect. Our parents and Josh's sister stood up with us as we gave the child God has blessed us with back to Him. It makes my heart full to think of the day that Squeaks accepts her place in His family. 

After church, we joined our families for a Mother's Day/dedication celebration at Josh's parents house. As usual the swarm of excited family members surrounded my daughter. I love how much they love her and I love how well she sleeps after family gatherings. Talk about sensory overload! It was a ton of fun to watch our moms open their gifts. Workout shoes for Joshs mom, mass quantities of Washi tape for my mom (she's an addict), and both Grandma and Grammy got their own Squeaks themed scrapbook that they can add her artwork and notes to over the years. Happy tears!! It was a lovely day. I wouldn't mind doing it all over again.

I thought about Squeaks' birth mom quite a bit on Mother's Day. I went back and forth on contacting her but, after consulting a mutual friend, decided against it.  While I could be projecting my own emotions on her, I would have to imagine Mother's Day was a little difficult for her this year. Even tough I didn't contact her directly, I felt a need to express my gratitude. I never want her sacrifice and love diminished or forgotten. The beauty of the day made my emotions bubble over, and since Facebook is basically reckless, instant blogging, I unloaded. My post from last night:
"There's a mom out there who gave me motherhood. Now that I'm a mom, birth mothers are other-worldly strong in my eyes, and fill my heart with more amazement than I can comprehend. People told me there were things I wouldn't understand until I was a mom, and they were right. What a mind blowing, gut-wrenching, selfless, beautiful thing, to look past the desires of your heart to the needs of your child. I think the only way anyone could possibly even start to understand my gratitude to [Squeaks'] birth mom would be to open up my chest and look directly into my soul, because there are no words."
Truth, truth, truth. Maybe someday I can tell her in person.
My wonderful gifts from Squeaks and Daddy.
A few of my favorite ladies.
I love watching people open gifts I know they're going to love. Grammy and Grandma were very happy with there Squeaks scrapbook. Happy tears!


  1. What a great Mother's Day for you! Awesome!

  2. Love it! So happy for y'all!!! Happy Mother's Day

  3. Love the thoughtful gifts!
    My daughter is 3 years old. This year I asked her birthmother how she feels about Birthmother's Day vs. Mother's Day. She said it is still one of the hardest/most emotional days of the entire year. As far as Birthmother's Day (not sure if you/your agency celebrates that day- the Saturday before Mother's Day), she said it makes her feel like just someone who carried a baby for someone else. Some birthmoms appreciate it and others say it makes them feel like "less than" a mother. Anyway, that was kind of random but I thought you might like some insight from another birthmother.


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